Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I feel like asking for a towel for after I puke before I puke to be more respectful than jus going outside to puke and coming back inside covered in sweat and tears.
Randomize