the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
Just learned how to deliver a baby.the things i saw tonight can never be unseen
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
