I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
