I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
