god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
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Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
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I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
i dont know the whole gay terminator look is really hot on him
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment