Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
just saw a guy try to order booze in his coffee at 8 am.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
i will never coherently bang her
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
