I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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