can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
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