Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
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She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
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So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.