Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
He drank his beer out of his own shoe. Its his "party trick"
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.