theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
They are going to name an STD after you.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
