don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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