What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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