If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
