Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Randomize
