How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
