theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
