My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
I don't think he has that. His apartment was pretty much a tv and a bed. Topless girl calendar and a glass of water to put out cigarettes.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Randomize
