I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
