Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole