I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Stage 55 clinger. not a typo. I cannot even believe this shit.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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