I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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