chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD