i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
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