I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
He stopped mid-fuck to explain his choice in pillows. HE WAS STILL IN ME!
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
Randomize
