why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
