What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
