my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
