Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
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