Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
