Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."