Let's hustle tonight so we can relax tomorrow
Perfect. Like where your heads at
By relax I mean have sex
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Contemplating These 27 Questions Will Make Your Brain Explode
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
I like how she'll post a picture on Instagram with her boyfriend and 2 hours later you'll send me a snap of her panties on your rear view mirror
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes