You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
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at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
So Monday we're lesbians.
Deal. This decision is final and any rebates on this will result in losing an eyeball.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
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I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?