Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon