Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least