I haven't been this sober since birth.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
These Attractive Criminals Took Sexy Mugshots That Made Them Famous
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I dont think that yelling at the medic "Christmas is gone, fuck off santa" was the best idea when you couldnt feel your legs.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks