Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
These 19 Guys Hit The Cougar Jackpot
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
35 Disappointing People Who Failed At Sexting
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.