you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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