my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I shaved my balls for you. Do you have any idea how hard that is?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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