I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Still fucking the ballerina?
She can put her legs behind her head.
Enough said
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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