I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
Randomize