I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
Less talking, more tequila
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
