I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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