Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
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Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
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It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You are so lucky you didn't go back to Tate's house. They decided to figure out who had the biggest balls... I was the judge
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
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