So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
may or may not have entered into a gay civil rights discussion with 6 year olds. Hint: I did.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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