Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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