explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
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