Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
We're hate flirting, damnit.
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