thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize