my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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