I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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