Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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