she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
