This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
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