cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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