i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
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Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
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We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
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